It has been a month (at the time of the writing), since I crashed and burned, and checked myself in the psych ward. My sponsor, who showed up or called every day that I was in the hospital, came to pick me up when I was discharged. I was happy to be back outside but lived with uncertainties. I feared everything and everybody. My head had cleared, and I had a full realization of what happened during the last 3 months. My sobriety that had seriously worked on was now gone and I was back to counting days again; something I hadn’t done since May. I gave up so much and made a mess of a lot of things:
- doing the layout for the newsletter that I was very proud of
- once again jeopardizing my physical health by not adhering to my medication
- the continued success of my business after doing wedding photography for the first time
- ignoring people who cared about me and was concerned about my well-being; including my family
- missing most of my appointments, and not reaching out to services about what I was going through
- alienated most of my friends; and sabotaging other friendships that mattered to me deeply
I was full of guilt and shame behind my behavior, even though I knew that I was unable to help myself due to me debilitating depression. The day after I got out of the hospital; I was so
overwhelmed with dealing with all of this until I started to have a panic attack. “What the hell have I done? How could I get this bad? How can face anyone once? Do my family want anything to do with me, even though I told Mommy that my depression was getting bad months before?” All these thoughts now consumed my head and I did not know which one to answer first. I was on my way to see my therapist who was instrumental in getting me help while being supportive during my descent into deep depression.
For me to work through this, I did something I had not done in months; I started blogging once again. I found out during the summer how much I missed writing when I joined a weekly writing workshop. I was amazed how based on what I was feeling after my therapy sessions, I
could now process it and write about the feeling through writing. Some of my passages was funny, some of them sad. Some of them reflected on my depression and addiction. Some of them reflected on being gay and what I was looking for in a relationship. It helped me with my confidence as well as express myself in a safe and worthwhile way. I helped me to blog about my feelings. I had withdrawn so much into myself until I stop writing. It was time to write again. It was time to express my thoughts and feelings.
I have always found it easier to write on the subway and in Starbucks. Even though I am surrounded by all my social media traps, I put that aside and focus on writing; using listening to music (Today’s selection: the 80s). As I rode the train to my therapy appointment, I was so focused and in tune with my fears and regrets until I almost missed my stop on the train. I finished my blog as I walked into my therapy. Then I handed to my therapist and asked him to read it aloud to me. Something happened after he read it to me. I was blown away as well as thrown back by what I had written. At that moment I was speechless and filled with emotion until I just started crying. Hearing it out loud made finally made my depression real; almost too real. It finally made me look at my depression seriously, and how my depression affected my addiction. It was one of the most defining moments in my life.
After hearing my own words, I knew I had to keep writing. I had to document this journey. I had a story to tell. I also needed to be reminded of how I got to this point and what happened when I
got there. Right then The Depression Chronicles was born; a series of blogs explaining
with brutal honesty how I got to this point. A lot of it was uncomfortable to recollect, but it needed to be done, otherwise I was doomed to repeat this, and maybe this time with worse results or my death. What am I hoping to accomplish with this? Just like in school, my story of being gay and dealing with my addiction inspired others, I am hoping this does also.
Writing is not the only accomplishment, I am have achieved over the past month. I am slowly getting back to the love of my life; photography. I have had 2 outings with my camera, and on each occasion, I have captured the perfect photo of the day, and both has received considerable exposure. But the highlight of the month was appearing on the news with my camera, as I was being interviewed during Winter Storm Quinn. It has been one of the biggest exposures I have had as a photographer, which has been a long-lasting goal. I have also featuring the wedding photos from November on several websites to gain business as a wedding photographer. It was a big boost to hear how happy my friends and their parents were with the photos. I am also getting back into graphic design, and it is my goal to resume doing the layout for the newsletter. None of this would have been made possible if I had not chosen to go in the hospital when I did.
One of the biggest rewards over the past month has been how honest and open I have been when discussing my depression. I realize that this will be another thing that I will have to deal with for the rest of my life, just like my addiction and health issues. I have gotten additional outpatient treatment to deal with everything and the way I feel. I know that it is a real chance for my depression to return, and I cannot allow for it to debilitate me like this past bout did. I was watching one of my favorite TV shows, “This Is Us”, and during the season finale, they gave a small preview of what to expect for next season. One of the topics involves on the main characters and his bout with deep depression. I know it will be a bit painful to watch and I expect to shed a lot of tears watching this storyline. At the same time, it will provide some more insight on my depression.
I had to approach certain important people on my life and explain to them my behavior and my depression. The scariest for me was calling my mother after almost 4 months of unanswered phone calls. I apologized to her and let her into my world about how bad things got. I explained to her that it wasn’t that I didn’t want to talk to her, but it was almost impossible for me to gain incentive to pick up the phone and say, “Mommy, I am in trouble. My depression has gotten worse and I don’t know how to get past it.” To my pleasure, she said she understood and was happy that I was getting help from the resources available to me. That was a relief to hear. Since then we have spoken a few times and each time she says I am getting better.
One of biggest rewards has been the parts of me that I felt was lost to me forever is returning; mainly my sense of humor and my ability to expect my views and stand up for myself through my words. Those 3 months took away my love of laughter and the ability to advocate for myself in a proper way without using anger to do so. I am also treating myself and getting and doing the things I love. I recently treated myself to a play I have been wanted to see since opening night, something I have not done in 3 years. I also bought some speakers for my TV on my terms, and that have been such a treat. The bottom lin
e is this: I am finally giving myself a chance to love myself instead of self-destructing. Is it easy? No, and I think for anyone who suffers from depression, it will always be a challenge. For myself, it was far easier for me to sabotage and then it is to give myself a chance and let me love myself.
With rewards comes some regrets. I regret ruining precious relationships I came to cherish. I regret all the self-destruction I caused in my own life; including my business. I regret not giving my myself a chance by adhering with my medication. I regret not taking my depression seriously and taking a chance with crystal meth to solve the problem. I regret not being able to love myself. One thing I don’t not regret is this experience. With every experience a person may go through, first come the trial, then the lesson, and finally, the realization about how much stronger you are because you went through it. This last bout of depression was a trial, but if I had not gone through, I don’t know if I would ever have taken it seriously. I would have probably continued the cycle of addiction and depression and in the end, done ever more damage than what have already been done.
As I continue this series of blogs, it does not mean I will stop blogging. Blogging has become a positive outlet in my life and I will continue to use this as a medium to express myself. I hope this blog will serve as a reminder if I ever plan on being the person I know I can be. The time has now come to finally start moving past it.
If you suffer from depression or know someone who is battling depression, please get help as soon as possible. You can call the National Hopeline Network, 1-800-SUICIDE (784-2433); the National Suicide Prevention Hotline, 1-800-273-TALK (8255); the National Youth Crisis Hotline, 1-800-448-4663.
If you are battling addiction, or know someone who is battling addiction, please call the National Addiction Hotline, 1-888-352-6072.
You don’t have to go through this alone. There are people who can help you.
Keith's Passages 